Running Towards Life

I realize that I may sound a bit like a character from a much loved movie who went on and on about a certain ocean delicacy at times, but I have to keep talking about how much running has changed my life for the better. Not just physically, although I definitely am loving those changes, but emotionally and mentally as well.

When I was married, I would try to do some kind of exercise for at least 25 minutes every other day, whether it was a walk around the block with the dog, bike riding with the kids, or a desultory run/walk in which I would run for a song, walk for a song, etc. My metabolism cooperated while I was in my twenties, but after my third child it was just a little bit harder to keep those stubborn extra pounds away. Plus, it became a hassle to have to keep asking my ex-husband if I could go exercise. There was always something he had to do first, like take a nap or watch a football game and he didn't want to always be 'babysitting.'

I am still surprised by people I meet who tell me that they exercise when they need to, leaving their children at home with their husbands. Just the thought of that freedom was inconceivable considering what I was dealing with. Needless to say, some of you know how that marriage ended up. It has been almost two years and I am confident, finally, that I am going to be okay. In fact, I know that I am going to be happy, and I am going to feel great, and love life, for many years to come.

Thanks, in a large part, to running.

During the divorce proceedings, in which those invisible yet tenuous bonds between my ex-husband and his perception of reality pushed me closer and closer to the edge of madness, I began to run. At first, during those 5 minute/1 minute sessions which lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to 30 minutes, I found solace in feeling my body begin to come alive again after so long. The sound of my labored breathing and the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement drew me in. Whenever the kids were with their dad, I would go for a run. Eventually, when my oldest was able to, he would offer to watch the little one while I ran.

A thirteen year old was willingly offering what had been denied to me for so long. Ironic.

Then I began to run with my older brother, Bob. He told me about a half marathon in Wild Wood at the end of that summer, and I knew with every cell in my body that I wanted to do it. Training began with a bang, and I had just made it to the five mile mark when injury struck while skiing. It was torture to have to wait so long before I could run again, and I felt the stress and tension from the divorce building. As I was dragged closer to the abyss of negativity, I noticed that I snapped at my kids, bristled at colleagues, and was in general, a bit of a bitch. Once physical therapy began and I was able to run again, though, I felt more able to deal with life. I slowly but surely built myself up to running three miles at a time without stopping, then four, and finally seven. Bob was there to run the longer training runs with me, and for those short periods of time I was able to run further away from the abyss and closer to salvation.

Seven miles turned to ten, and every time I ventured out for a run I would feel that much better. If I doubted my abilities to be a mother, teacher, daughter, I would run it out. If someone hurt my feelings, I would run. If I felt like I needed a boost, I would run.While the residue of the insanity worked its way out of my life, I had my training runs to keep my spirits up and my hope renewed. The feelings that come from running are pretty much indescribable. I had always heard of an endorphin high, but I hadn't realized how that feeling of euphoria would carry over into my everyday life  It did, though, with the positive effects of making me a stronger- and nicer- person, more confident, and more alive. By the end of the summer I was able to complete the Wild Half in two hours and thirty minutes. Not too shabby, considering I had been running less than a year.

The abyss will never be a threat to me again. I have running to thank for that peace of mind, as well as the love of my friends and family who helped me through the darkness into the light. My comfort zone has been completely redefined. I find that people smile at me for no reason, which leads me to smile back. When I go somewhere, I know that I will be able to connect with people in my own way, usually through my passion for running and for life, and I will never go back to being that meek, semi-active girl.

While I probably won't do what the main character did in that beloved movie- although never say never, it looked like fun to run from one side of the United States to the other- I will continue my running regime. It feels awesome.

I'm going for a run.